i got my baby talk today and thelaugh it off page just cracked me up so im posting it here lol
How to prepare for nursing
Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a dishtowel" If you REALLY want to feel ready to breastfeed heres what to do
day 1: gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
day 2: at bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every 2 hours. each time it rings spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
day 3: draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I feel pretty".
day 4: open your already overcrowded freezer and make room for 5 dozen plastic milk containers.
day 5: fit the hose of a vacuume cleaner over one breast and set on medium pile. turn off vacuume when nipple is three inches long. switch breasts.
day 6 : obtain "do not cross" tape from your local police station thenwrap firmly around your chest. when your spouse asks about it say "get used to it"
day 7:tape a water baloon to each breast and squeeze into maternity bra. repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies
day 8: dine in hte fanciest snootiest resteraunt you can afford making sure to arive with a big wet spot over each nipple
day 9: record your mother proclaiming "just give hte baby cereal like god intended and shel sleep through the night." play in an endless loop at 1 am 3 am and 5 am
day 10: slather your breasts in pnut butter top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.
day 11: go someplace public ( a museam courthouse the steps of your office building) and stuff a lifelike doll under your shirt. use the dolls arm to suddenly hike up the shirt past your collar bone. lower shirt. feign nonchalant smile.
day 12: suckle a wolverine
congratulationa you are now ready to nurse a baby. maybe.
thank you baby talk im still giggling
How to prepare for nursing
Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a dishtowel" If you REALLY want to feel ready to breastfeed heres what to do
day 1: gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
day 2: at bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every 2 hours. each time it rings spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
day 3: draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I feel pretty".
day 4: open your already overcrowded freezer and make room for 5 dozen plastic milk containers.
day 5: fit the hose of a vacuume cleaner over one breast and set on medium pile. turn off vacuume when nipple is three inches long. switch breasts.
day 6 : obtain "do not cross" tape from your local police station thenwrap firmly around your chest. when your spouse asks about it say "get used to it"
day 7:tape a water baloon to each breast and squeeze into maternity bra. repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies
day 8: dine in hte fanciest snootiest resteraunt you can afford making sure to arive with a big wet spot over each nipple
day 9: record your mother proclaiming "just give hte baby cereal like god intended and shel sleep through the night." play in an endless loop at 1 am 3 am and 5 am
day 10: slather your breasts in pnut butter top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.
day 11: go someplace public ( a museam courthouse the steps of your office building) and stuff a lifelike doll under your shirt. use the dolls arm to suddenly hike up the shirt past your collar bone. lower shirt. feign nonchalant smile.
day 12: suckle a wolverine
congratulationa you are now ready to nurse a baby. maybe.
thank you baby talk im still giggling
