How to prepare for nursing
Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a dishtowel" If you REALLY want to feel ready to breastfeed heres what to do
day 1: gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
day 2: at bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every 2 hours. each time it rings spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
day 3: draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I feel pretty".
day 4: open your already overcrowded freezer and make room for 5 dozen plastic milk containers.
day 5: fit the hose of a vacuume cleaner over one breast and set on medium pile. turn off vacuume when nipple is three inches long. switch breasts.
day 6 : obtain "do not cross" tape from your local police station thenwrap firmly around your chest. when your spouse asks about it say "get used to it"
day 7:tape a water baloon to each breast and squeeze into maternity bra. repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies
day 8: dine in hte fanciest snootiest resteraunt you can afford making sure to arive with a big wet spot over each nipple
day 9: record your mother proclaiming "just give hte baby cereal like god intended and shel sleep through the night." play in an endless loop at 1 am 3 am and 5 am
day 10: slather your breasts in pnut butter top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.
day 11: go someplace public ( a museam courthouse the steps of your office building) and stuff a lifelike doll under your shirt. use the dolls arm to suddenly hike up the shirt past your collar bone. lower shirt. feign nonchalant smile.
day 12: suckle a wolverine
congratulationa you are now ready to nurse a baby. maybe.
thank you baby talk im still giggling